very child and young person can present with a behaviour which is hard to understand, manage and change.
This article will look at some common factors that have an impact on behaviour. However, each child is unique, so don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions. Think carefully about the specific child and consider whether any of these factors could be relevant.
Nature/Nurture: Our approach to thinking about behaviour is that babies are not “born bad”. Behaviours are not genetic/inherited (if you thought that, you probably wouldn’t choose to be a foster carer!). Personality “traits” and physical conditions might be genetic, but neither determine behaviour. Behaviours develop in response to the environment or experiences of the child. Most children in foster care will have experienced difficult circumstances. P2hysical, emotional or sexual abuse, neglect and broken/difficult attachments are all traumatic. Removal from home and being placed in care is traumatic. Trauma impacts on emotions, development, and thoughts which, ultimately drive behaviour. Keep the child’s history in mind when trying to understand behaviour.
Fear driven behaviours: If a child comes from an abusive and neglectful home environment, a child will feel fear. Sensing fear, our brains instinctively switch to survival mode and drive us to do one of three things – fight, flight, freeze. These are behavioural strategies to survive.
These behaviours can remain long after the threat has been removed. Even when a child is removed from a fearful environment, the behaviours may continue. A child’s brain can interpret a mild scenario falsely, think there is a threat and go to survival mode when there is no real danger.
To you, this may not look like fear, but the behaviours mask the underlying feeling. Examples of how this might present:
Fight: aggression, violence, intimidation, rudeness, defiance, threatening, irritability, oppositional, non-compliant, controlling
Flight: keeping a distance, running away, fidgety, pre-occupied, avoidant, anxious
Freeze: shutting down, isolates self, hides, unresponsive, zoned out, day dreaming, depressed, bored, apathetic, helpless.
Children may also adapt their behaviour. They may “keep the peace” to avoid being harmed – people pleasing, pacifying behaviours, telling you what you want to hear, a fake smile, saying “I’m fine”, but, really, they are not.
They may avoid circumstances associated with the trauma. They may refuse to visit places or to meet people; refuse to go to bed or try not to fall asleep in an attempt to reduce nightmares; and/or they may self soothe, such as using alcohol/drugs, self-harm.
Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress can present. This can include re-experiencing the event (e.g. nightmares and flashbacks), numbing of general responsiveness (e.g. less interest in significant activities and a feeling of detachment from others), problems with concentration and focus.
Fear of adults/attachment: Adults may have been the source of child’s trauma so they may believe that adults are not safe and can’t be trusted. They may think the adult won’t meet their needs or look out for them. They may have experienced insecure/broken attachments, so consequently fear further hurt that could occur by forming an attachment with you. They can use behaviours to anger, offend or upset you, with the intention of preventing potential attachment to you. On the other hand, they may use challenging behaviours to test out relationships.
Anger driven behaviours: Rejection is painful and causes anger. This can be a defence mechanism to avoid showing emotions such as sadness, hurt, grief, anxiety, shame or blame. It can be expressed towards others through rudeness, defiance or hostility
Feeling out of Control: Children’s home lives may have been chaotic, unpredictable and unsafe. Without others to protect, the child may have sought to keep themselves safe through behaviours to gain control and power. This can look like defiance, aggression, giving instructions to adults, ordering others around, bossiness, rudeness, rejecting house rules, rearranging items in the home, taking space, blocking entrances/stairs etc
Fear of Invisibility/Attention needing: When a child has suffered unreliable parenting or neglect, they may have felt ignored or forgotten. Positive behaviours may not have attracted the attention of parents, but negative behaviours would. Any attention is better than none! Negative behaviours may be the only way that children know to get the attention they need, and a range of behaviours may present, including nonsense chatter, following carers around etc.
Brain development/functioning: When the brain operates in survival mode, it cannot develop the two higher brain levels – the part that understands, manages and controls emotions and behaviour, and the part that thinks rationally and logically so we can learn.
This might present as:
- overwhelming emotions which can’t be managed and result in melt downs – externalised in anger outbursts or internalised through withdrawal/isolation; strong emotional reactions to quite small things; and impulsivity and a lack of empathy/remorse, which can result in anti-social behaviours.
- inability to think rationally/concentrate/focus/ link cause and effect/problem solve
Brains develop with age/maturity – it’s easier to understand if we think of a toddler’s behaviour, their brain, like a traumatised child operates at the lowest level. Brain development can also be impacted by brain damage, and neurodevelopmental disorders ie ADHD, autism.
Gaps in learning/development: a child’s development – physical, emotional, cognitive, behavioural and social follows a general pattern. It relies on brain development but also on consistently nurturing, supporting, stimulating and positive parenting, which many children in foster care will not have had. Children may not, therefore, present at their chronological age, they may not have the abilities usually assumed at a certain age, as they have not had the opportunity to learn by example, from parents, things such as expressing/managing feelings; reasoning and thinking, positive relationships; positive social behaviour.
Keep also in mind that behaviours change and develop with age and maturity, and that typical teenage behaviour is often difficult and challenging and may not be related to their trauma.
Views about themselves: Children get their sense of self from the people around them. If they are ignored or abused, their sense of self is one of worthlessness and “badness” – unimportant, unlovable, useless. Behaviours may present to confirm and reinforce that and/or self-sabotaging behaviours -no point in trying as I’ll never succeed – “this is how I am”, testing to see if you will still care for them.
Recreating a familiar environment : Some behaviours which present as challenging, or bizarre, may be completely familiar and normal to the child. Shouting, arguing, violence, may be learned “as the norm” and the child may seek to recreate what is familiar to them within the foster family/home. This could include things such as lack of routine/poor cleanliness/ hygiene/bedwetting (the smell of urine being familiar and “comforting”)/eating habits/shouting or ‘pressing’ you to shout.
These are just some of the common factors which may help you understand a child or young person’s behaviour, and, subsequently guide the way you react and respond to the behaviour. Empathy and compassion must be at the heart of your reactions and responses – there is no place for harsh, punitive approaches, which will, likely, re-trigger or retraumatise the child, and result in a deterioration of behaviour.
If we can ‘see behind’ the child’s behaviour to the sometimes-scary emotion that is driving it then we can soothe that emotion and the behaviour will slowly decrease as the child’s brain comes out of ‘survival mode’.