What Is PACE Parenting, and Why Do Foster Carers Use It?

A child comes to live with you carrying things you cannot see. A slammed door might not be about the door. A refusal to eat breakfast might not be about breakfast. PACE is one of the tools Fostering Hearts trains carers in to help make sense of that, and to respond in a way that helps a child feel safe.

Please note: this is general information about a widely used parenting approach, correct as at August 2026, not a substitute for advice from a child’s social worker, a therapist or your supervising social worker. If a child tells you something difficult, always follow the guidance your agency gives on when and how to respond. Source: DDP Network.

What Does PACE Stand For?

Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy.

It comes from Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, a model developed by the psychologist Dan Hughes. Fostering agencies and CoramBAAF both run training on it, because it works alongside almost any other parenting approach you already use rather than replacing it.

PACE is not a script. It is a way of showing up.

Why Do Children in Care Need a Different Kind of Parenting?

Many children who come into foster care have lived through things professionals call Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs: potentially traumatic events such as abuse, neglect, or growing up around domestic violence or a parent’s addiction.

A child who has learned that adults are unpredictable does not stop believing that the day they move into a calmer home. The belief took years to build. It will not disappear because the bedroom is warm and the fridge is full.

Ordinary parenting advice sometimes clashes with what these children need. “Ignore the tantrum and it will stop” can land, for a child who has been let down before, as “you get ignored when you struggle.” PACE offers a different starting point: stay close, stay curious, and deal with the behaviour without taking it personally.

What Does Playfulness Look Like?

Not jokes for the sake of it. A light touch that takes the threat out of a moment.

If bath time turns into a nightly battle, a silly song about the rubber duck can do more than a stern voice ever will. A raised eyebrow and a grin can defuse an argument about socks that would otherwise eat up twenty minutes of the morning.

It sounds small. For a child braced for conflict, it can be the difference between a fight and a laugh.

What Does Acceptance Look Like?

Accepting the feeling behind a behaviour, without pretending the behaviour is fine.

A child shouts “you hate me” after being told to turn off a game. The instinct is to argue: “No I don’t.” PACE suggests something closer to: “I can see why it might feel that way right now. I’m going to keep showing you that isn’t true.”

You can hold a boundary and still let a child know their feelings make sense. Turning the game off stands. The shouting gets heard rather than shut down.

What Does Curiosity Look Like?

Asking, gently, instead of assuming.

A child kicks off every day at school pickup. Curiosity means wondering out loud rather than jumping straight to a consequence: “I noticed today was really hard at pickup. What was going on for you?”

Sometimes the answer is nothing much. Sometimes it is that another child said something about their family in the playground, and the ten minutes waiting by the school gates was the loneliest part of their day. You will not know until you ask.

What Does Empathy Look Like?

Sitting with a child’s pain rather than trying to fix it or rush past it.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m so sorry that happened to you. That sounds really hard.” No advice, no silver lining. Just being heard.

A child who has been let down before often expects a lecture, or expects to be told to move on. Empathy, said plainly and meant, can catch them off guard in a good way.

What If It Doesn’t Seem to Be Working?

Some days it won’t feel like it is landing. That is normal.

PACE is not a switch you flip once and the shouting stops for good. Trust that has been broken over years is rebuilt slowly, sometimes in tiny, unglamorous moments: a lift to football, a plate of toast made without being asked, the same bedtime routine on a Tuesday as on a Friday.

You do not need to get every response right. You need to keep showing up, calmly, more often than not.

Do You Need Training to Use PACE?

You do not need a psychology degree.

Fostering Hearts covers PACE and other therapeutic approaches as part of ongoing training, alongside the Skills to Foster course every new carer completes before panel. Your supervising social worker can talk through how it applies to the specific child in your home, because every child’s history is different.

Some starting points that new carers find useful:

• You do not need to use all four parts of PACE at once. Pick whichever fits the moment.
• It is not about getting it right every time. A child does not need a perfect carer. They need one who keeps trying.
• PACE works alongside the routine and boundaries a child needs, not instead of them.

You Will Not Be Doing This on Your Own

Nobody expects you to hold this alone.

Every Fostering Hearts carer has a named supervising social worker, and our carers say that relationship makes the difference. One carer told Ofsted inspectors: “My supervising social worker has been an absolute lifeline for me. I feel so much more confident in my role because of her.”

Ofsted rated Fostering Hearts good overall at its November 2024 inspection, with leadership and management judged outstanding. Inspectors also praised how the agency responds to carers day to day.

You get training and support, a supervising social worker who knows your family, and a team who has usually seen whatever you are facing before.

Frequently asked questions

Is PACE only for children who have been through severe trauma?

No. Many carers use PACE with any child in their care. It grew out of work with children who had experienced trauma, but the underlying approach, staying curious and empathetic rather than reactive, helps most family relationships.

Does using PACE mean there are no consequences for bad behaviour?

No. PACE is about how you respond to the child underneath the behaviour. You can still hold boundaries and follow your house rules. Acceptance means accepting the feeling, not approving of every action.

How long does it take to see a difference?

There is no fixed timeline. Some carers notice a shift within weeks. For a child who has learned not to trust adults, rebuilding that trust is usually slower and steadier than that, often taking months.

Will Fostering Hearts train me in this before I take a child?

Yes. Therapeutic approaches, including PACE, are covered in ongoing training available to every approved carer, alongside support from your supervising social worker.

Do I need any particular skills or background to learn PACE?

No. It is taught step by step, and most of it is about how you already talk to people you care about. Carers from every kind of background pick it up through training and practice.